Surprise I’m Back! But Where The Hell Have I Been?

If you follow me then you probably noticed that it has been just a bit since my last post. 3 months in fact. So what was with the radio silence? Where did I go? Am I alright? Do you not want to blog anymore? The answer is as simple as it complicated. The quick version is that I have been stuck inside my own head. Struggling with feelings and emotions that have overwhelmed, confused, and frustrated me. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I couldn’t shake the damn C Diff and honestly went emotionally numb. The roller coaster of hoping that the next thing I tried would be the treatment that finally got rid of it only to have it come back within a few weeks every time was too much. I was just done.

I had my second Fecal microbiota transplant (FMT) at the end of March, and I was certain that this time was it. It went smoothly and the first week it truly seemed like I was better. I was excited to move forward. Then week two came around and BAM the C Diff was back AGAIN! I had never felt so hopeless. I began to think that I was never going to get rid of it. And if I couldn’t get rid of it how was that going to affect my Ulcerative Colitis? The doctors knew that the UC was acting up on top of the C Diff but my next option was a biologic that they didn’t want to start me on until the C Diff was cleared. A biologic would suppress my immune system which would let the damn C Diff run even more unchecked than it was. I felt stuck in a sick sort of limbo.

Depression had been lingering around for awhile and I knew it was there in the background just waiting for its chance to sink its claws in. After the second FMT failure I let it wrap itself around me like a cocoon. Why couldn’t I just be better? Why did my body hate me so much? Was it worth it anymore? I was on yet another round of Vancomycin and while it kept the C Diff in check I wallowed in self pity. I was constantly sick between head colds, the flu, migraines, and my UC flaring on top of the C Diff. I truly felt like my body was giving up on me. I had no energy, was sleeping upwards of 13 hours a day if not more, and struggling to keep up with simple day to day things. I didn’t care about anything anymore.

It was May by this point and I had now been dealing with C Diff for a whole year. I was a mess and it wasn’t a pretty sight. My doctor decided to refer me to another doctor who specializes in infectious diseases. He hoped getting some fresh eyes on my case would be a positive and maybe give us a new route to try before attempting a 3rd FMT. That first appointment was almost comical. Dr. P’s eyebrows almost hit the ceiling when I told him how long I had been dealing with the C Diff. It was 45 mins of recalling how many times I had basically been shitting in a day for a whole year. He paused before saying he had tried something with another patient with recurring C Diff, however that patient did not have any sort of IBD so he wasn’t sure how it would work for me. I was willing to try anything. He could have told me I needed to cut my big toe off and I would have done it if I thought it would help.

The next week I found myself staring at two bottles of GoLytely prep. Those of you who have ever had a colonoscopy might have been lucky enough to have to drink this lovely stuff. At this point I’m use to it unfortunately. Colonoscopies every 6 months for 3 years kind of does that. I however was nervous this time. Usually you drink 1/2-2/3 of the prep the night before a colonoscopy and finish the rest of it the morning of. Dr. P’s suggestion was to try and completely flush everything (good and bad bacteria) out of my colon, and then stay on the Vancomycin for two weeks to try and eliminate any C Diff that was maybe still hanging out in there. I had to drink a whole bottle of prep one evening, and the second bottle of prep the next morning. I won’t lie guys it was hard. That last 1/3 of each bottle I had to use pure will power to get it down, but I did it. Then came the part I dreaded even worse than the prep itself. The wait to see if it worked.

And HOLY SHIT GUYS IT WORKED! Two weeks after the colon flush I was back in Dr. P’s office and while things still weren’t perfect (you know 1-2 solid poops a day perfect) it was the best I had felt in months. Only going to the bathroom 2-3 times a day was freedom compared to running to the bathroom anywhere from 5-12 times depending on the day. Since things still weren’t perfect we decided to schedule another colonoscopy 2 weeks out to see how things looked. I was a bit nervous the C Diff was going to rear its head, but things looked so much better than my last colonoscopy in December. I still have quite a bit of inflammation in areas of colon but compared to the last one my colon doesn’t look nearly as angry as it once did. I went from having colon that was considered severe to one that is considered moderate looking.

BUT that inflammation means that my UC is still actively flaring, and my medication that I’ve been on doesn’t seem to be working for me anymore. I had to make a decision that was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve done since being diagnosed. I could have stayed on my Balsalazide and hoped that my body would continue to maybe get better, or it was time to move onto the biologic. I went back and forth for over a week, and for me I felt like it was time to move on. The last year of my life has been the hardest ever in terms of my health, and I’m ready to hear the words remission. I didn’t make this decision lightly and talked about it with my family and my team of doctors at length and we all agreed that Humira was the best option for me at this point in my journey with Ulcerative Colitis.

Today, as I’m writing this, I had my first dose and I’m looking forward to the future with actual hope for the first time in a long time. I’m in a much better place mentally as well as physically. Things have held pretty steady since the colon flush and I’m hoping that true remission from UC is right around the corner.

Fun fact (or annoying one depending on your mood) about me; I like to try and find the positive in every situation and I’m so unbelievably happy I’m in the mind frame where I can do that again. So the positives of dealing with C Diff and UC for the last year are:

  1. I learned how strong I truly was. Even at my lowest points when I wanted to give up I didn’t, and I think that is something to be proud of.
  2. That I have the most amazing support network. My family and close friends never once made me feel like any of this was my fault. Without them I don’t know what I would have done.
  3. I met some new people online who are also C Diff survivors. Besides being able to give advice and know exactly what I was going though they actually took the time to check in on me from time to time. Sharing this struggle started as therapy for me, but being able to connect with people has been an added extra bonus.
  4. I lost 40 lbs over the course of the last year. Not in the healthiest way because it wasn’t through diet and exercise, but instead because I was constantly pooing or didn’t have any appetite. I am overweight and wasn’t happy with what my body had become after being on Prednisone for so long. Definitely not the ideal way to go about it, but since my body hated me this last year I’m going to claim this as a small victory.
  5. I dyed my hair blonde. Odd I know to mention it, but I was craving a change I could control. On an impulse dyed my hair, and I love it.

So that pretty much catches you up on where I’ve been these last 3 months. It was a dark time but I’m finally walking in the light again. I’m going to do my best to get back to weekly blogs. Summer is a busy time for me so I might miss a week here or there just due to lack of time, but I am back! Those of you who have stuck by me though my long absence, Thank You so much. Your love and support mean the absolute world to me. To those of you who have just found me, Thank You for taking the time to read this and I hope you decide to stick around.

Until next time

XOXO Becky XOXO

European Vacation: Paris

Ah Paris, the final stop on our two week vacation. I couldn’t believe that I was riding a train, under the English Channel, on my way to the city of love. As excited as I was, unfortunately my body wasn’t. I didn’t have any dramatic symptoms pop up and I wasn’t chained to the bathroom, but I had pushed my body to the point of exhaustion. Even mentally I was feeling a bit worn down. I still tremendously enjoyed being in Paris, but looking back I’m a bit sad that I wasn’t feelng as well as I had during the rest of the trip.

Pulling up into the train station was the only bit of nervousness I really had during the whole trip. I had done a bit of research and had been warned by previous travelers to avoid the throngs of people offering you rides and head straight for the taxi line. It was a bit nerve wracking trying weave your way through people doing everything in their power to get your attention. If I had understood French a bit more it might not have been so intimidating having people yelling at you or trying to pull you after them. That really was the only blemish on an otherwise amazing time in the city.

Settling into our room both Trace and I couldn’t believe that this was the final city. Time had flown by and here we were in Paris. We were both feeling exhausted from the day of travel but we knew we needed to go out. The Eiffel Tower was only a few blocks from our hotel and we needed to see it. Stepping out of the hotel and taking in our surrounding for the first time I can honestly say that Paris is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Everything just seemed to flow together in a way that was different from everywhere else we had been. It seemed every building had details that wanted to tell a story.

We took our time walking towards our destination as I snapped pictures of almost every building we passed. I also loved the gentle hum of French we heard as we walked by people talking to each other. I had tried to learn some French before we had left for our trip but I quickly found out that being able to read and speak were two very different things for me. That didn’t mean that I didn’t love hearing people speak it as their native tongue. It was a vital part of the whole Parisian experience for me. As we drew near to the Eiffel Tower both of us were a bit in awe. I had seen so many places and monuments on this trip that I never thought I would see in person, but this one was the most iconic. I was one of those girls who had a poster of the Eiffel Tower in her bedroom, and now here I was standing in front of it. I think we stood there just staring and taking some time to appreciate that fact that we were here. We did a quick wander around the area before deciding to head back and call it an early night.

The next day was absolutely gorgeous. The sun was out and it felt like spring. It was the perfect day to get out and walk around Paris. We were heading towards the Louvre. We started out on a some cute little side streets as we slowly made our way towards the River Seine. Along the way we passed the Place des Invalides, the Bourbon Palace, and the Musee D’Orsay. Walking into the grounds of the Louvre and seeing that iconic glass pyramid it actually gave me chills. Once again I’m no art historian and I’m not even that well informed on all the different types or periods of art there are. But being that close to history touches my soul. We got there around 10am and while the line to get in was long it actually wasn’t that long of a wait to get in. I think it took us 30 minutes.

Once inside it really hit me how big the Louvre really is. I won’t lie I was pretty overwhelmed. I truly think you could spend a week in there and still not be able to appreciate everything. We spent close to 5 hours there and I feel like we barely touched the surface. We did a pretty quick walkthough of most of the exhibits, but we spent most of our time in the painting galleries, the ancient Egypt exhibit, and the sculpture exhibits. I was so enthralled that I really didn’t that many pictures which looking back I kind of regret. We saw so much that I feel like I have forgotten so much of the memorable artwork that I saw because my mind can’t hold onto all the details.

Wandering around the paintings is what sticks out most in my mind a year later. There are just so many stunning pictures to take in. Room after room of some of the most impressive works of arts you can lay our eyes on. Seeing the Mona Lisa was overwhelming in a couple of ways. Mostly because being in the same room as such a famous painting is a crazy expreiance. The picture I have of it is actually one that Trace took because I had a mild panic attack. The room where she is kept was the most crowded room I have ever been in. We were packed in there like sardines. I don’t mind small spaces, but the fact that I couldn’t move because there were people pressed up on all sides of me freaked me out. I actually had to get to the side of the room and force myself by everyone to get out of there. Not my most graceful social moment, but I learned that I don’t like large crowds of people in small rooms.

I could spend days talking about the Louvre and maybe one day I will do a dedicated post to it as well as Edinburgh Castle and the Tower of London. Let me know is the comment if that is something you guys would be interested in!

After pulling ourselves out the Louvre we spent some time in the Tuileries Garden which is right outside the Louvre. It is a super cute park, and I’m sure it is gorgeous when everything is green and in bloom. We took a different route back towards out hotel and took time to admire the Place de la Concorde, the Petit Palais, and the Alexander III Bridge. I cannot state how unbelievable the architecture in Paris is. Everything has insane amounts of detail that was all done by hand. And there are sculptures everywhere. It truly is amazing no matter where you look. It was a full day of walking around and taking it all in, so that night was another early one for me. It was a little frustrating because there was so much more that I wanted to see and do, but my body was like nope that’s it for today.

Our last full day in Paris turned out to be a rainy one. We had already decided on doing a bus tour so we didn’t mind the rain. We were still excited to get out and see more of Paris. Unfortunately it seemed like everybody else decided that was the way to go as well. The bus we got on was full and the only seats left were in the back of the bus with no real view of what we were seeing. Luckily the first half of the tour was mostly what we had seen the day before so I don’t think I missed out on to much. We hopped off at Notre Dame, which I had dreamed of seeing since I was 10 and fell in love with Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Once again an unbelievably gorgeous building. I wish we had been able to go inside, but the line was around the block with a wait time of about two hours. It’s one of those places that you need to get to first thing to enjoy without the crazy rush of tourists. Hopping back on the bus we headed towards the Champs-Elysees and the Arche de Triomphe. Along the way we passed by the house that Voltaire died in as well as the Eternal Flame, which is the place that Princess Diana tragically passed away.

It was cool to see the famed street filled with all the designer stores and cute little cafes and the Arche was impressive in both size as well as all the details. It was chucking down rain so we passed on getting out and exploring there. From there we headed once again towards the Eiffel Tower. The final stop before the tower was the Palais de Chaillot. You can get an amazing picture of the Eiffel Tower between the two wing of the buildings there. We continued on to the Eiffel Tower and by this time the rain had finally decided to let up a bit so we hopped out.

It was nice to experience the tower from the opposite side that we had seen on our first night in the city. Here they had little food stands as well as a merry-go-round set up. From here we decided to walk back to our room since the rain had finally decdided to be done for the day. Once again just walking along some of the little side streets and taking in what Paris had to offer was incredibly calming and enjoyable.

I had someone asked what places we ate at during our trip. To be honest we didn’t go anywhere that was “famous” or “trendy”. We were on a budget so stuck to little restaurants that were by our hotels for dinner, and we had a continental breakfast included with our rooms in the first 3 cities. Paris we didn’t and actually went to a small grocery store and grabbed some small bits to eat in the mornings. For lunch it depended on where we were that day. I didn’t indulge in any crazy foods or drinks. I kept things pretty bland, or foods that I knew didn’t bother me while I’m flaring. The last thing I wanted was to piss of my Ulcerative Colitis and have to be glued to a bathroom. That was the biggest struggle the whole trip. I would have loved to have gone to more unique places and sample local delicacies. Before UC I loved to try new things. Now I have to be a bit more careful especially when I’m flaring. In Paris we ate a couple of cute little cafes that were just a block or so from our room. The food was fine and the atmosphere was super cute.

That last night we once again called it an early one. We had to be up and checked out by 6am to head to the airport. I couldn’t believe that we had already spent 2 weeks exploring Europe, but at the same time I was ready to head home. I thoroughly enjoyed this trip and wished I could have seen and done more. However I do think that I pushed myself just a tiny bit too far. There was no way I could have known that I would be recovering from a flare when I booked the trip. It was a fear and in the back of my mind, but you can’t live in fear. I wouldn’t trade this experience with my cousin for anything in the world. We spent two weeks bonding and exploring places that touched and changed us in such positive ways. I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to take the chance and get out and see the world. I’m also proud of myself for listening to my body when I needed to. I could have pushed myself to do or see more, but I would have been miserable and unable to enjoy things as much as I did. Finding that balance while traveling is a tricky balancing act.

Paris in short you were more than I could have ever asked for. I just wish I had been at 100% so I could have seen more of your beautiful city. There are still things I need to see so one day I will be back to bask in your wonder again.

We did it guys! That was 4 cities in 2 weeks! I hope you enjoyed reading about my adventures as much as I enjoyed looking back and reliving them. There will definitely be more travel in my future. Having UC can make travel harder but not impossible, and there is so much more of the world that I need to explore.

Until next time

xoxo Becky xoxo

European Vacation: London

Traveling from Edinburgh to London was my first time on a train. Flying would have been the faster option and given us more time to explore, but then we wouldn’t have gotten to catch glimpses of the idyllic English countryside. I loved rolling by miles of green fields only to be briefly interrupted by sleepy little villages that I would have so enjoyed being able to explore. I loved exploring the big cities we went to, and for a first timer being overseas that was the right choice. The convivence of being able to see so much in just one place was perfect for us, but I know there is so much more out there to see in those quiet little towns and the surrounding countryside. Walking out into Kings Crossing Station was a bit overwhelming at first. Edinburgh is a big busy city but it has the feel of a small town, at least for me it did. London was just frantic energy hitting you full force.

View of one of the little towns we passed though on the train

It didn’t take long to get our bearings and figure out where to find a taxi to take us to our hotel. Traffic was crazy, especially when I come from a county that has only one traffic light. Seriously just one traffic light. Our hotel was located right across from Kensington Garden and close to the Lancaster Gate Underground Station, which once we figured out how the Underground worked was perfect for us. Honestly I didn’t mind walking around and just taking the city in. I definitely got my exercise on this trip.

Building by our hotel

We checked in and since it was still daylight, Trace and I decided to pop on over and take a stroll through Kensington Garden. It was so beautiful and peaceful. The noisiness of the city faded away to a dull hum as we strolled along the little paths looking at the different little monuments and statues. We decided to call it an early night since both of us were feeling a bit tired from the day of travel, and knew that the next day was going to be a full day of exploring.

Kensington Garden

Our first full day was a LOT of walking. We needed to pick up our London passes, which included a card for the Underground, in Leicester Square. If I remember right I think it was only like a 3 maybe 4 mile walk from our hotel, but ended up taking us about 2 hours to get there. Mostly because I kept stopping to take pictures. On our way we passed by the Marble Arch and walked down a large portion of Oxford Street, which is lined with stores just begging you to stop and take a look in. After getting our passes we headed to the nearest Underground Station and got a crash course in how it works from a sweet little lady who did her best to educate us. We were heading for the only stop that Trace had requested on this whole trip: The London Zoo.

A London Street
The Marble Arch

The Tube ride wasn’t that bad, and by the end of the trip we both felt pretty comfortable on it. We got to the Zoo just before noon and I have never seen Trace so excited. We were there all afternoon and the whole time she had a huge grin on her face. The Zoo is huge and you could easily spend all day there. I felt like we rushed parts of it just to see as much as we could. We both felt like little kids walking around and taking in all the different exhibits and animals. I think the highlight for both of us were the giraffes. They are Trace’s favorite animal, and watching her get so excited made it a special memory. I don’t think I’ve stated this but she is my little cousin, and while we have always been close this trip brought us even closer.

Leaving the Zoo we ended up in Regent’s Park and walked through it stopping to take pictures and have a good chat. Here we ended up a bit confused on how to get back to the hotel on the Underground. It was a nice night and there was still plenty of light so we decided to walk back. It was a hike but I am glad we did it. We got to see and take more of London in. I walked almost 13 miles that day! Once we got back to the hotel we were down for the count, but I did manage to map out which Underground lines we needed for the next day.

Regent’s Park
Regent’s Park

Our second full day we headed to my requested location: The Tower of London. In middle school I was obsessed with the Tudors and that section of history so it was a must see. I was not disappointed. Just like with Edinburgh Castle walking thought the gates I could just sense the history. I was walking in the steps of people who I had read about, who were important figures in history, and I was literally walking where they had once roamed. It was overwhelming in a good way. We got there fairly early and spent hours just walking around. I wanted to read everything, go to all the towers and different sections, take a million pictures, and just take everything in that I could. I think I touched every wall in that place that I was allowed. I don’t know why but putting my hands on pieces of history, when allowed, is something I’m compelled to do. Once again I could do a post just dedicated to this one location. We chose not to do a guided tour and I personally liked being able to walk around at our own pace, but the next time I go back I wouldn’t mind hearing the stories that are told on the tours.

Tower of London
Tower of London
Tower of London
Traitor’s Gate

I forced myself to not spend all day at the Tower because there was so much else to see in London. Outside the Tower we jumped onto one of the guided bus tours which I would recommend. You get to see quite a bit and get a lot of information that I found interesting. It was also included with our city passes. It took us by the London Eye, London Bridge, Blackfriars, King’s College, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey (which next time I need to go and see inside of), and so much more. We got off at Buckingham Palace which was crowded. It was amazing to see up close and in person. People were polite and orderly as we all waited to get our selfies and Instagram pictures with the palace in the background. We debated getting back on the bus, but Hyde Park wasn’t that far and we both had enjoyed all the other parks we had walked though. We strolled along The Serpentine, and stopped by the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. There is something to be said for casually strolling though these wonderful Parks and Gardens to wind down after an amazing but busy few days.

London Eye
Westminster Abbey
Thames River
Buckingham Palace

Day 3 in London and I was starting to feel a bit worn down. I was still excited to explore and continue onto our final city the next day, but had we also reached day 10 of the vacation and my body was tired. For me exhaustion is my biggest enemy while I’m having a Ulcerative Colitis flare. It’s the first thing I notice and it sticks around for a long time after any other symptoms have gone. Technically I was still flaring while I was on this vacation. It was the best I had felt in months, but the exhaustion was still there reminding me that I still had UC.

Kensington Palace

That being said we decided to stay somewhat close to our hotel. We stopped by Kensington Palace first. Another piece of history that was amazingly beautiful. Walking through and seeing the different rooms, seeing the paintings and artifacts had my history nerd self happy once again. The opulence was breathtaking. It reminded me a bit like Dublin Castle, but it felt older if that makes any sense. They had a display of the late Princess Diana’s clothes that I found intensely fascinating. I was only 9 when she passed but even at that young age I knew the impact she had made on the world in her short time on earth. I would love to go back when the garden next to the palace was open and in bloom. It was pleasant while we where in London but Spring had only just started to make its presence known.

After Kensington Palace we headed to the Albert Memorial. Opened in 1872 by Queen Victoria in memory of her husband, Albert. It is massive. It stands 176 feet tall and is done in the gothic style. There is a ton of detail both large and small to admire. It is directly across from the Royal Albert Hall which is a beautiful building. We continued on to the Victoria and Albert Museum. Here there was so much to take in. Centuries worth of art and artifacts from all over the world. I wish I had been able to visit a museum like this when I had briefly entertained the idea of perusing history and archeology as a career in middle school. I truly think it would have pushed me in that direction instead of deciding to treat it more as a hobby or passion to just read about. Being that close to objects that people created by hand, I don’t know it just a feeling I can’t really describe. After a few hours, again THANK YOU TRACE for letting me drag you slowly through another museum, I managed to pull myself away.

Albert Memorial
Albert Memorial
Royal Albert Hall
Victoria and Albert Museum

Our final stop of the day was Trafalgar Square. It was insanely busy and I admit that I was beyond ready for the day to be done. We did a quick pass though before heading back towards the hotel. There was a lot to see and the energy was buzzing but I was ready for bed. Let me know in the comments what the perfect vacation length is for you guys? I enjoyed my 14 days immensely but around day 10 I was ready for my own bed. I don’t know if that’s because of my UC or is that a pretty average time frame to start feeling homesick even if you are having a blast?

London was everything I had hoped it would be and so much more. There is still so much that I want to see and do that another, longer trip is in the cards somewhere in the future. I think you could spend a month and still not see everything that London has to offer.

Hyde Park

The next morning we had to be up early to catch the Eurostar. We had one last city on our European vacation and we were going to ride a train under the English Channel to get there.


Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo


European Vacation: Edinburgh

Part two of our European Vacation! The weather made a very interesting travel day, and we didn’t land in Edinburgh until after dark. I think we ended up getting in around 8 that evening and we were suppose to get there around 3. It was a long day of waiting around the Dublin airport. Though I was only to catch glimpses of Edinburgh in the darkness as we took a taxi to our hotel I knew I was going to be blown away by this city. Once again my travel agent got us a reasonable hotel that was super close (like a block) from the Royal Mile.

View from the hotel

A quick side note: Seriously guys I am so happy that I used a travel agent. I remember being so overwhelmed looking at all the options for travel, accommodations, and excursions. I literally couldn’t make a decision. I reached out to a few travel agents until I found one who understood what I was looking for and felt comfortable with. I had her handle all the travel and accomadations for the trip. Trace and I weren’t sure what we wanted to do in each city and liked the idea of wandering around and doing whatever grabbed out attention. We did purchase some city passes that let us get into a lot of different attractions but we were able to pick and choose each day what we felt like seeing. I would recommend the passes if you are spending a couple days in one place and want to see as much as you can. We definitely saved some money compared to what we would have paid for entry into each attraction individually.

We woke up fairly early the next morning excited to get out and explore the city. I wish I could find the words to describe how seeing Edinburgh for the first time in daylight affected me. There is something magical about that city. I felt at home even though I had never been there. The buildings all seemed to just ooze history, and the little alleyways seemed to lead to more magical views of the city. All of the cute little shops we passed, the people playing bagpipes, and once again just the warmth of the people who encountered made a huge impact on me. We spent the morning just wandering around the Royal Mile and I think I took a million pictures of the different buildings. I know nothing about architecture, but all the brick and details were absolutely gorgeous. The pictures will do more justice than I could ever hope to be able to describe.

The first attraction we chose was a tour of Mary King’s Close which is one of the more famous spots in Edinburgh. I’ve always been interested in ghosts and the darker aspects of history so I was familiar with some of the stories. I should also mention that Trace is terrified of anything remotely scary but was a trooper and let me drag her along. Love you Trace! I did think the fact that they had the tour guides act like certain characters, ours was a clergyman I believe, was a bit over the top even though I get what they where going for. There are no pictures allowed once you start the tour so you can fully immerse yourself in the stories and take everything in. I had a blast. It was so interesting to be walking on streets that were now underground and to see how tight and cramped everything really was. Being underground and knowing that the plague once ran rampant among these buildings and that body snatchers were creeping around the streets, well it was kind of amazing and terrifying to be that close to that part of history.

After the Mary King’s close we headed towards Greyfriars Kirk Graveyard. The streets were busy with tourists and locals alike scurrying along to reach their next destinations, but the second you passed thought those gates it was almost like world melted away and went silent. I found it to be peaceful and loved taking the time to read some of the inscriptions. The grounds were extremely beautiful and the momuments and tomb details were fascinating to look at. On the way back towards the Royal Mile we passed by the café that JK Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter Book. Thought about going inside but it was extremely crowded and we had to get back to the so we could do our final activity of the day.

I don’t know how I talked Trace into doing the walking ghost tour, but I’m glad I did. We started in the middle of the Royal Mile where we learned a bit about executions and how they took place in the middle of the town square. From there they lead us down a few of the narrow alleyways where we once again learned about grave robbers and their dastardly deeds. They also pointed out a few of the oldest buildings along with any associated ghost stories. The tour ended once again down below street level deep in some of the old buildings and alleyways. Here though we got to be a bit closer to some of oldest parts of the city and while I didn’t experience anything I would consider ghostly or haunted, I will say that the atmosphere of it was spooky and just what I wanted from a ghost tour.

Day 2 and our last full day in Edinburgh we spent the majority of it at Edinburgh Castle. I could have stayed there for days and still not seen enough. The sheer size of it blew me away. And once again you could just feel the history of the place. I loved wandering around and putting my hands on walls and bricks that were hundreds of years old. The views of Edinburgh below were breathtaking as well. There was so much to see from the Scottish Crown Jewels, Mons Meg, St. Margaret’s Chapel, The Great Hall, and the Scottish National War Memorial. I could probably dedicate a whole post to Edinburgh Castle. If you only have one day and are intersted in the history of Edinburgh I would highly recomend you do the Castle. In fact the next time I go back, and I will be going back, I want to spend a whole day just exploring it again.

Edinburgh Castle
Edinburgh Castle

After the Castle we decided to head down the hill and explored the Princes Gardens. I feel like I keep saying this but it was gorgeous. I don’t think I had ever been in a park or garden that big. It was early spring so nothing was in bloom yet, but even so it was a joy to just slowly meander through and appreciate nature in the middle of such a busy city. We walked through the North Bridge area on the way back to the Royal Mile and popped into a few shops to snag a few souvenirs along the way. We ended the day by heading down towards the Holyrood Palace and Arthurs Seat. We didn’t get to explore either this trip but it was still amazing to look at both from afar. They are on my to do list next time! Walking back to our hotel I made Trace stop by yet another graveyard so I could admire a few more of the intricate memorials.

The Princes Garden
Holyrood Palace
Arthur’s Seat in the background

The next morning we were able to sleep in a bit before heading to the train station to catch a train to our next city. Don’t get me wrong I loved all the cities we visited but there was something about Edinburgh that touched my soul. I fell in love with the people, places, and atmosphere. I was super excited to continue on and explore the next city but Edinburgh was hard to leave. I will definitely be going back in the near future to spend even more time exploring every nook and cranny I can.

Are there any cities or places that touched you or left such an impact on you that you know you can’t stay away from? Let me know in the comments below!

Next post will be about the 3rd stop of our European vacation! I’m sure you all can guess where we were heading next.

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo

European Vacation: Dublin

Today’s post is gonna be a look back to one year ago to when I did something that I truly think is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Something I dreamed about since middle school, something that took me way out of my comfort zone, and something that showed me that traveling while having a chronic illness like Ulcerative Colitis is possible. Last March I spent two weeks in Europe. My cousin Trace and I had talked about visiting Europe for over a year before we finally looked at each other one day and said lets do it. No more just talking about it lets just actually take the leap and go. Could I afford it? No not really, but the memories I have were more than worth maxing out my credit card. We booked it about four months before we actually left so I had time to get myself a passport, find a travel agent (which I highly recommend), and worry that my UC was going to make this dream a nightmare.

We were both a bit nervous and I wondered if I hadn’t bitten of more than I could handle. We were visiting 4 different cities in 14 days. Granted they were for the majority English speaking countries so there was no language barrier, but being that far from everything you know for the first time was a bit overwhelming. Especially when you are wondering if your body is going to decide to turn against you. My biggest fear was being stuck on a plane or train, and being unable to control my bowels. Luckily my UC caused me no issues the entire trip. I had been flaring about a month before we left, but after discussing things with my doctor we decided to keep me on a low dose of prednisone until after my trip was complete which was the right decision. I was able to get out and thoroughly explore and enjoy each city we visited and not worry about my UC once.

First up was Dublin. I had wanted to visit Ireland for as long as I can remember. My Mom’s maiden name leaves no doubt that we have Irish ancestry so I had always been interested in visiting where some of my ancestors came from. We landed about 9am local time, and after going through customs (which wasn’t as scary as I thought it might be) we got to our hotel around 11 am. Amazingly our room was ready, and we were able to catch a quick nap. The jet lag was real! That first afternoon Trace and I spent walking around Dublin trying to see where things were as well as just taking it all in. Our hotel was fairly close to Trinity College and the Temple Bar area which meant we were close to a lot of the things that we hoped to see. The city itself was beautiful. Walking along the River Liffey and seeing the mix of old and new brick buildings lining the river, smelling the salt of the ocean, and just feeling the history of the place. I was exhausted but I just wanted to keep exploring. We did turn in early that night but we more than made up for it on day two!

I loved that everything was basically within walking distance. It was a great way to see a lot of the city and be able to save some money. The weather was nice that day as well so that made wandering around so much more enjoyable. First up we stopped by the National Gallery of Ireland. I’m not an art historian, but it was amazing to look upon some of those paintings and just see the detail that was put into them. I could have spent all day in there but I knew we only had that day to squeeze in as much as we could. Next up was the National Museum of Ireland-Archaeology. If you enjoy being able to see history I highly recommend stopping by. From carvings, to artifacts, mummies, parts of old boats and doorways this place made my little history loving heart so happy. I wanted to take pictures of everything but was so wrapped up in absorbing everything that I really didn’t take that many. Next came a hard decision. To stop and try to see the Book of Kells or head towards Dublin Castle?

After debating things for a few minutes and consulting our map, Trace and I decided that we would be able to see more if we headed towards Dublin Castle. I know the Book of Kells is one of the must see stops in Dublin, but that just means I have to go back right?

Before the castle we stopped by the Christ Church Cathedral. An absolutely beautiful building. The architecture is awe inspiring. I can’t state enough how being in a building that has been around in some sort of fashion for hundreds of years touches you. You can feel the energy. I am not a religious person but I can appreciate how important this place was and is for those that are. Stepping inside I was actually speechless. The high vaulted ceilings, the intricate tile floors, the details on all of the little monuments and tombs, and stained glass windows was almost to much to take in. There is also a gorgeous organ that I would have loved to have heard being played. Going down into the vault was probably my favorite part. This was the oldest part of the building and it looked like it. The walls were rough but still beautiful and the atmosphere was just a bit spooky. It was almost at odds with the artifacts that were displayed. Gold dishes from King William the 3rd and costumes from the show Tudors. But then they had a cat and rat on display who had became trapped in the organ pipes and became mummifed, so it all balanced out.

Right next to the Cathedral was Dublina which is an interactive museum that focuses on the medieval and Viking era of Dublin. I thought is was super cute and funny as well as being informative. Trace also had a blast because she could actually touch things and not get into trouble. We got to write out names in the Viking runic alphabet, see what a Viking house might have looked like, and learn about some of their myths and legends. In the medieval section they had a little model of what Dublin used to look like. Little exhibits about the leading causes of death as well as the herbs they used for medicine, games that were played, clothes and armor that was worn, as well as how they were punished made for a fun way to take all the information in. We were also able to climb St. Michael’s Tower which most of what remains dates from 1697. At the top you get a great almost 360 degree view of Dublin.

The last stop for the day was Dublin Castle. My first castle!! It was pure opulence. The rich red of some of the walls, the detail in the plaster carvings on other walls and some of the ceilings, the gold detail on other ceilings, and the beautiful paintings that covered entire ceilings in other rooms. Even the fabrics on the furniture to the drapes and carpets was a quality that I had never seen in person. You could almost picture men and woman from the mid-late 1800’s moving about from room to room. I liked that you were able to wonder from room to room and take your time. There was so much to see and while it didn’t have the feel of old history that I got from the cathedral I definitely thought it was well worth walking through. Whew. I made Trace do a lot that day looking back. She was a trooper and let me bask in all the history I could find.

Day 3 was St. Patrick’s Day! Yes we actually spent it in Ireland. The atmosphere of the city was amazing. The whole time we were there everyone was so lovely from the locals to the tourists. Everyone was there to have a good time, and it rubbed off. The streets were lined with people early. It was just a sea of green. It was freezing cold that day with a wind that chilled you to the bone. We were bundled up but still beyond cold. We walked for quite a bit trying to find a good place to try and watch the parade. People were in such a good mood despite the cold. All you could hear were people singing and laughing. We finally settled on a place kind of in the middle of the parade route and attempted to stay warm. I’m a little ashamed to say that after an hour of waiting and not even being able to hear the parade coming that we were just too damn cold. Standing in one place and not moving while the wind whipped by was just too much. We kept heading along the parade route before ducking into a little side street where we found a cute little restaurant. While I am a little bummed that we missed the parade it was still super nice to have a few drinks and some damn good fish & chips while we chatted about what we had seen and what was yet to come.

The rest of the afternoon we stopped by a few of the gift shops we had seen along the way to get a few souvenirs. We also had hoped to get out to see St. Paul’s Cathedral but that was a bit away from where we were and walking that far in the cold didn’t appeal to us. Another thing I will just have to go back and see. We did stop by the little wax museum which was interesting in its own way. It was something to do nearby out of the cold, but for me it was just ok. After that we took our time walking back to our hotel. It was our last night in Dublin and I just wanted to soak in as much as I could. We had to be up fairly early the next morning so we didn’t go out and party it up with the rest of Dublin that night.

We awoke to snow covering the ground, and Dublin in a panic. For us there wasn’t that much snow, but seeing as how they don’t get that much snow in Dublin a couple inches was enough to mess things up. We lucked out when we were able to get a taxi earlier than expected (someone called and wasn’t in the lobby when he got there), and he was a hoot. He had both Trace and I laughing about this and that the whole way to the airport. Once again I can not stress how lovely the people of Dublin are. They go out of their way to make you feel welcome and most of them treat you like family. The only blip was that our plane to the next city was delayed 3 1/2 hours so we spent most of the day stuck in the airport.

Dublin was a wonderful and perfect start to our European vacation. I will definitely be going back to explore more of Dublin as well as the rest of Ireland. I can’t really put into words how beneficial this trip was for my mental health. It showed me that there is so much out there to see and explore, and that I can do it. I can leave what I know, my day to day routine and fufill some of those dreams that I thought were unattenable.

Next post I will share the second stop on our European Vacation!

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo

Dating and Chronic Illness

This weeks post is thanks to you guys. I asked on social media what you guys wanted to know more about, and I had a few people ask me if I had ever shit myself while on a date. While rude, and the answer is no, it did get me thinking about dating while having Ulcerative Colitis. It adds another tangled layer on top of my own anxiety and fears of dating that I had long before being diagnosed.

First things first, I freely admit I have never been good at dating. In my 32 years on this earth I feel like I have never had a “good” date. To be fair there really haven’t been that many in the grand scheme of things, and a lot of it comes down to my own issues having prevented me from enjoying them. I moved to a small town right around the time I became interested in dating so my dating pool was pretty limited to start with. It seemed like everyone was basically already dating someone or had dated someone which made them off limits, at least in terms of my high school girl logic. Money was also tight so I wasn’t able to partake in all of the AIM or other messengers that were popular at the time to chat with guys online because we couldn’t afford a computer much less the internet. I had some serious family and personal drama that was going on as well, and it was so much easier to melt into the background and not bring attention to myself. The thought of having to explain what was going on in my life or in my head brought me so much anxiety that even thinking about dating would send me into a panic. Being alone became a coping mechanism.

How I thought I looked, like a lot of girls, unfortunately played a big part of how I felt about myself. I was much larger than all of my friends or the girls I was around daily. My hair was a mousy brown color, and I hated my frizzy curly hair. I had glasses that didn’t suit me but that was what my mom could afford. Even after coloring my hair a million different colors and getting contacts, things I thought would make me look better, I still found I myself so unattractive that I honestly thought no one would ever want to be with me. I didn’t look anything like what I was seeing on TV, in magazines, or online so how could I be attractive? I regulated myself to the not beautiful looking best friend, sidekick, and supporting movie character in my own life.

In college I discovered that if guys were drunk enough they wouldn’t remember what I looked like which made me feel a bit more comfortable “seeing” people. Clubs, house parties, and dimly light dorm rooms aren’t really dates. We were all interested in one thing which didn’t require any actual talking or getting to know somebody. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by what I did in college, but I am sad that I didn’t find myself valuable enough to think that people would want to actually get to know me and possibly build something more than a quick roll in the hay.

After college didn’t work out the way I planned I felt like a failure, and entered a pretty dark period of my life. I kept my circle extremely small and found no joy in going out and meeting new people. In fact that thought terrified me to my core. I’m a homebody by nature but for years I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to. I still had the same hang-ups about myself and my body, and the older I got the idea of dating grew more and more daunting. It was so much easier to fall into the same boring routine of being by myself then put myself out there.

By my mid-late 20’s I started to slowly love the things that make me who I am. I’m shy and reserved, I curse like a sailor, I like to smile at strangers when I pass by, I hate small talk, I’m sarcastic, I think I have amazing eyes, I’ve embraced the unruly mop I call hair and I’m a bigger girl who most days finally feels comfortable in my own skin . Just as I was getting comfortable putting myself out there a bit more through dating apps, because I still live in a small community and well online seemed less scary, my journey with Ulcerative Colitis started.

UC brought a whole new level of issues and self consciousness that I never expected to have to deal with. How soon into talking to someone do you mention that you have a chronic illness? Do you explain why you run to the bathroom in the middle of a sentence and are gone for 20 minutes? Or that on really bad days you can’t control your bowels at all? Going out seems impossible when you don’t know where the nearest bathroom is, or god forbid you end up stuck in traffic or along a stretch of road with no bathroom in sight and you have to go now. I have to watch what I eat when I’m flaring and ordering a side of mashed potatoes because that’s the only thing that might not have me running for the bathroom seems a bit silly. I also can’t relax and enjoy a coffee or a glass of wine while getting to know someone because those are no go’s while I’m flaring as well. About having to cancel plans at the last minute because I can’t get out of the bed because of the pain?

I wouldn’t go on a date while I’m actually flaring so the likely hood of actually experiencing any of that is pretty low. I also know I’ll have remissions and be able to live my life like a person who doesn’t have to worry about all those things, but they are always going to be in the back of my mind. I have a chronic illness that is never going to go away, and in fact is going to gradually get worse with each flare I have. I’m more susceptible to infections and things like the C Diff which I have been battling for almost a year at this point. When do you dump that all on somebody you are getting to know? How many times will I think maybe? Finally? Only to have him decide its all too much and walk away?

These are my own personal thoughts, feelings, and fears. There are people who have it worse than I do and have no problems when it comes to dating. Having UC is truly just a small part of why I find dating daunting, but at the same time it is a part of who I am now. Another layer of what makes me who I am at the end of the day. While I’m a little sad it took me so long I’m at a place where I’m once again comfortable with who I am, and I’m ready to start putting myself out there and see what happens.

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo

PS. I mentioned that I ran a little poll on social media at the beginning of this post if you’re interested my Instagram, snapchat, and twitter handles all are @beckydale86

Setback and Frustration

It has been a super rough week. I knew I was right at the beginning of the downward slope when I posted last week, but it hit hard and fast this time. The first sign was the exhaustion. I’m talking bone deep and unable to function exhaustion. One day everything was normal and the next day it took all I had to get out of bed. I managed to struggle through a couple days of waking up at the last possible moment, going to work, coming home, and going right back to bed. Then the pain started. I knew then that I needed to get ahold of my doctor.

I tested positive for C Diff once again and started back on the antibiotic. However it can take a couple of days to start feeling better, and my body has been fighting this for so long that each time it seems to take longer and longer to feel any changes. The pain got so bad that I ended up having to miss a couple days of work yet again. It’s hard to clean and keep a smile on your face when you feel like the lower half of you abdomen is constantly being twisted around. That’s the worst part of C Diff for me, just a constant pulsing pain that never goes away. It’s really only about a 4 on a scale of 10 but it is constant 24/7 with random sharp pains thrown in to spice it up.

I’m extremely lucky that where I work is understanding of what is going on but that doesn’t make it any easier for me. I’m actually getting to a point where I financially can’t miss anymore work and that scares the shit out of me. I have to listen to my body, but what if I can’t afford the doctor appointments, procedures, and medicine I need to be healthy enough to work? Don’t get me wrong I have a great support system of family and friends, but I don’t want to have to rely on them financially unless absolutely necessary. I’m stubborn if you haven’t been able to guess, and I should be able to take care of myself.

The most frustrating part of all of this is that I don’t know for sure what I am up against. I know the C Diff for sure, but while my team of doctors and I are fairly certain my UC is flaring there is no way of knowing for sure. The symptoms of both are just too similar that you can’t really distinguish one from the other. With talks of changing my UC medication to a biologic my fear is what if we are wrong. What if my UC really isn’t acting up, and I have just a really stubborn case C Diff? Moving onto a biologic is a serious step. I go from taking medication orally in a pill form, to having to give myself shots or receive medication through an IV. The risk and severity of possible side effects go up and my ability to fight off infections goes down. What if I move on for no reason? It’s kind of a scary thought.

Another FMT (stool) transplant is also in the near future. While it’s not a scary procedure and pretty straight forward I will have to take yet more time off of work. My sister will as well since she is my donor and has to accompany me. It has a high percentage rate of working, but I’ve already failed one. And the testing my sister has to go through before each transplant isn’t covered by insurance. It’s expensive and each transplant means more money. What if my body doesn’t take to it this time as well? Then I’m right back where I am now. The circle of feeling good and getting my hopes up only to be smacked back down to the ground is defeating.

I know in the long run I’m going to be fine. Whether this transplant gets me on the right track this go around or if I have to have more it will all work out. It’s just hard going from being a pretty healthy person with no major issues to dealing with something that has been affecting me for so long, and at least with the UC I will be dealing with it for the rest of my life. It’s hard to let go of “healthy” me. The me before I had to worry about where the nearest bathroom was. The me before I had take a million different medications. The me who didn’t know how trying this chapter of my life was going to be. Yes I will eventually get rid of the C Diff but UC is a lifelong illness.

Don’t get me wrong I have been able to go out and live my life. From the boring day to day routine, to going on adventures that I could only dream of. But Ulcerative Colitis is always in the back of my mind. It casts this little shadow of fear on everything I do. I hope once this flare is over I get to spend most of the rest of my life in remission living life to the fullest, but it’s still a bitter pill that the fear of next flare is something I can’t ever escape.

To end this on a positive note I am feeling better. Not quite 100% but enough to go to work and feel pretty much like my normal self. I will keep taking one day at a time, and keep looking for the most part on the bright side of things. Once again thank you for all of your guys support. It truly means the world to me that anybody reads this and has taken an interest in me and my journey.

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo


Guilt

I am at the start of yet another flare (Not sure yet if it’s just the C-diff, just my UC, or a combo of both again) and I am once again feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. It’s irrational and all in my head, but the feeling is there and with each passing day it gets stronger and stronger. With each flare up, or set back I find the feeling of guilt gets worse. When I first started experiencing Ulcerative Colitis symptoms I was so scared of what was happening with my body, but even then I was feeling guilty. Guilty because I was in pain, guilty because I couldn’t control my body, guilty that I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

After my diagnosis the guilt only grew worse. I knew that it was a disease that I had no control over, but part of me felt like I was being punished. For what I had no idea, but my brain kept telling me that I had done something to deserve this. Honestly I still feel like this on occasion to this day. On my lowest days I feel like I deserve to be where I’m at. The sick part is even that makes me feel guilty.

Having to cancel plans when I don’t feel comfortable being away from my bathroom, having to run to the bathroom when I am visiting people, worrying about having to run to bathroom, being in visible pain around people, missing work because I’m sick once again or have yet another doctor appointment, having to explain my condition to people, worrying about being around my niece and nephews when they are sick because my immune system is shit, being fatigued all the time during a flare, catching C-Diff on top of already having Ulcerative Colitis, boring everybody when I talk about my symptoms or how I’m feeling even when they ask, and oh so much more make me feel extremely guilty.

I know it’s just me. Nobody else I know would agree with anything I just mentioned. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m sick and I can’t change that. I manage it and stay on top of it, call my doctor when I notice things are getting worse, take my medications everyday like I should. I am doing everything possible to stay as healthy as I can. But I still feel guilty that I am sick. Guilty I am a burden to my friends and family. Hell I even feel guilty I am a burden to my doctors because my body keeps on being difficult.

These feelings are always there, but 95% of the time I’m able to push them back and tell myself I’m just being silly. I recognize the feelings, but I also recognize that its all in my head. My anxiety makes the guilty feelings worse which is why the longer a flare goes on the worse the guilt grows. I know I’m not alone either in feeling the way I do. I’ve come across a few other people who describe feeling pretty similar to what I have. It’s nice knowing that I’m not alone, but to be honest it doesn’t make me feel that much better.

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad for me, or to try and console me. I just want to make people aware that for me this is a real thing. What it boils down to, at least for me, is that I hate the fact that I’m letting people down even unintentionally. I appreciate when people tell me I’m being silly, but I already know that. For me it would mean more to hear people simply say “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but I get it.” Don’t try and make me feel better, just acknowledge the fact that my brain is making me feel a certain way and move one. Because you trying to placate or lift me up only adds more guilt.

I am working on trying to lessen the guilt. It’s not healthy to have this weighing on me. This is a part of my personality and it affects me in all aspects of my life, not just when I’m having my health issues. I’ve found that meditating, while I’m not very good at it, does help me calm down when I start to get overwhelmed with the guilt. I started to workout again, when my body allows it, and those endorphins really do help. However, the biggest step for me though as been allowing myself to open up to a few close people in my life when I am at my lowest points. It’s hard but talking about these feelings as I’m wallowing in them helps me see how hard I’m being on myself. The greatest part is that these people just let me talk and don’t try and immediately make me feel better. They let me feel it and work myself out of it. Which for me is what I need.

I’m a work in progress, but the fact that I’m staring another flare in the face and writing about these feelings for all of you to read instead of shutting down is a step in the right direction. Writing this blog has been a major help in keeping myself honest with myself. Thank you for all the love in the recent weeks. Your support is more appreciated than I will ever be able to convey. Fingers crossed this flare up is quickly brought under control, and I am back to myself in no time. And I will keep working on trying to lessen the guilt.

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo

The Road to Now

So I had my diagnosis, a new medication to try, and so many questions. My Gastroenterologist, Dr B. is amazing. She has explained and reexplained things. To be honest there is still a lot that I don’t know or understand fully about Ulcerative Colitis, but she has gone above and beyond to make sure I’m doing and feeling my best.

The first medicine we tried was Sulfasalazine, which has been around for awhile. However it can be a bit harsh. It wasn’t to bad to start with, and honestly the worst part was remembering to take it at the same time everyday. Until my body decided that it was actually didn’t like it. I started to feel pretty nauseous after taking it, even with food, and it just progressively got worse as the days went by. I was on that for about a month before we switched me over to Balsalazide. The plus side is that I was able to take it and not feel gross all day long, but instead of 4 pills a day I was now taking 9 pills. I was also put on iron because I was anemic. Luckily the pill did the trick and my iron levels slowly made their way back to being in the healthy range.

With the new medication I was really starting to feel like my old self. Things weren’t completely back to “normal” but I was 95%. The next few months were monthly doctor appointments to monitor I was feeling, and bloodwork to see if I was improving. Which I was. In March of 2017 we scheduled another colonoscopy with the hope that my whole colon could be explored. There are actually 5 different types of UC, which boils down to how much of your colon and rectum are affected by the disease. The coloscopy went well, and it turned out that I have what is called Pancolitis. That means my entire colon and rectum are being affected by the ulcers. Dr. M. who did my colonoscopy, and actually works with Dr. B. in my case, told me that he classified my case as mild, but that it had been moderate beforehand. So yay for improvement!

The next 7 or 8 months went amazingly well. I truly felt like my old self. The only thing that wasn’t 100% normal, and still isn’t to this day, is that my stools aren’t solid. I don’t want to get too graphic, but mine are stuck somewhere between a liquid and a solid. Also mornings are the worst for some reason. I have to go first thing in the morning, and with some urgency. Not unable to control myself bad, but I have had a few close calls. Bathroom trips are considered most days to be in the normal range. Good days its 1-2 times, and bad days are in the 4-5 times a day range.

Getting back to my timeline: November of 2017 the urgency and blood returned. I ended up having to cancel a trip to spend Thanksgiving with a friend because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to make the 9 hour drive there without an incident. It started off slow, and I brushed it off at first as just being stressed. Stress definitely affects me and my condition. When I’m under a lot of stress the diarrhea and urgency crop up, but it usually only lasts a day or two until I calm down and things go back to my normal. The blood in my stool told me it wasn’t just stress this time though. So I made a call to Dr. B, and was put back on the prednisone and at her suggestions started Mesalamine rectal enemas. Those are not fun. Not painful at all, but they are uncomfortable and time consuming. They help with bleeding ulcers but are most effective for ulcers that are in the colon close to your rectum. It took about a 3 months of slow but steady progress but by the end of February 2018 I was back to my normal. Just in time because I went to Europe for 2 weeks in March! I was scared that my symptoms were going to pop up, but thankfully I had no issues at all. Actually that whole spring I felt the best I had felt since my diagnosis. My energy levels, my mental state, my body, everything was the best it had been in so long. I had 2 1/2 months of basically normal, and then it all started to fall apart. The middle of May it crept up on me slowly at first. I started to feel a bit more fatigued than usual, and then my bathroom trips started to creep up. Not consistently, just random days where it could be an extra trip or up to 5 of them. By the end of May a new symptom had started, unbelievable pain in my abdomen. It felt like someone was kicking me in the gut and then grabbing a handful and constantly squeezing and releasing it. The first week in June I started to fall apart fairly quickly. Everything got worse all at once. The pain, the bathroom trips, blood in my stool, and I wasn’t sleeping. I had seen Dr. B in the middle of May when my symptoms had first started getting worse, and she had scheduled a colonoscopy for the middle of June. She thought my UC was acting up and I wasn’t responding to the medicine like I should anymore, but she wanted to make sure. My body had other plans.

The first weekend in June I ended up in the emergency room twice because of the pain. It had gotten so bad that it was all I could focus on. I wasn’t eating, sleeping, and drinking any liquids made me throw up almost immediately. The ER Dr. also thought it was my UC acting up and he had me schedule a follow up with my local doctor on Monday. The plan was just trying to keep me comfortable and healthy enough to get my colonoscopy done. My cousin was graduating that weekend, and by the skin of my teeth I watched her get her diploma but I couldn’t make it thought her grad party. I was mentally falling apart as well at this point. I couldn’t be there 100% for her big day, my body was failing me, I couldn’t work, and to be honest I didn’t know how much longer I could handle it.

I remember sitting in the room waiting for my doctor and wondering how I was going to make it another week. Dr. B had put me on prednisone back in May and it wasn’t helping anymore. I was scared and in pain and the one thing that had always helped in the past wasn’t anymore. Dr. S walked in, looked at me, sat down, and asked me if I was feeling any better. I told her no and burst into tears. Taking my hands she looked me in they eyes and told me she was putting me in the hospital. And not the local one. I was heading to Duluth. She had already called and got it all set up. I was pissed! Looking back I knew it was the right decision, but in the moment I panicked because I was scared that meant that I needed major help. I had flashes of needing surgery and of dying and had a full on breakdown in her office.

In fact I was going to the hospital so they could run more tests and get to the bottom of what was going on. Once I had calmed down and listened to her I agreed. I just wanted the pain to end. My Aunt drove me the two hours to the hospital, and while I was still upset and nervous I started to feel a bit better after getting all settled in. The staff went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable, and explained what the plan was for the next day or two. First thing first they needed a stool sample. Because of the pain meds from the ER I had actually managed to eat a bit the last day or two , and I was able to deliver just enough for them to run some tests. Blood was drawn for more tests. They also put me on a liquid only diet to try and help with the pain and keep me more comfortable. And then they gave me heaven in a pill. I was able to not feel the pain for the first time in weeks, and I being able to sleep for more than 30 minutes. Granted every 4 hours the pain came back, but I finally had a bit of relief.

The next morning the Doctors (3 of them) came in and told me I was being moved to my own room. Turns out I had tested positive for C-Diff. It’s a nasty bacteria that mimics a lot of the same symptoms as UC. It’s actually kind of common, but it is most common in people who are elderly or have used antibiotics recently. Neither applied to me. However having UC means my immune system isn’t at 100% so I am more susceptible to catching things. Yay me. Oh also managed to catch salmonella as well somewhere along the way. Luckily they were able to start me on the antibiotic that treats C-Diff and with in a couple days I was feeling better. I spent 5 days in the hospital, and ended up missing a week of work. My colonoscopy was cancelled because C-Diff inflames the colon and they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between what was possible UC and C-Diff. I was on the antibiotic Vancomycin for a month and at the end was feeling pretty good.

For about 2 weeks. Then the pain and other symptoms started to creep in again. Dr. B and Dr. M put me right back on the antibiotic, but this time it would be for a month and a half. Once again being on the antibiotic I started to feel better, and by the end of treatment thought I had kicked it this time. By now it was the beginning of September 2018, but within 3 weeks I knew the C-diff was back. Sitting in Dr. B’s office I remember her telling me the next step was a Fecal Transplant, and my mouth dropping open. I didn’t know that was a thing, but it is becoming more common. The point is to put good bacteria back into your colon since the C-diff and antibiotics can wipe them out leaving the bad bacteria to run wild. The only bad thing is that insurance doesn’t cover the testing needed for this procedure, which came to about a $1000.

My sister agreed to be my donor. She had to give some stool samples that were sent to a lab to make sure she was a compatible donor. In other words that she didn’t have something that could make me worse. It took a few weeks, during which I was back on the Vancomycin, but the transplant was scheduled for October 23rd. It’s a pretty straightforward procedure. The morning of the transplant my sister had to give a fresh stool sample while I was being prepped. The sample was sent to the lab to be “cleaned up”. I was brought back to a room, put under just enough to make sleepy while they put a tube down my nose to the top of my colon, and pushed the sample in. I woke up and we were on our way fairly quickly. The next two days I felt awful and slept a lot, but then I started to feel like better. It was like my old self was back. For about a week. The transplant has a really high success rate so my first thought was that my UC was acting up now that I had finally gotten the C-diff under control.

I had to wait about a month to retest for C-diff, during which my symptoms slowly started to build up again. But no pain so I was positive it was just my UC. The test came back negative for C-diff and another colonoscopy was scheduled for the beginning of December. Dr. M once again preformed the procedure and he came in saying it looked liked a severe case of UC, and that at my follow up appointment we would look into switching my medications from the pills I have been taking to a biologic. Quick version means I would either be giving myself shots or getting infusions of medication though an IV depending on what type is right for me. He also said he took a small sample to test for C-diff again as a precaution. He was fairly certain it was just my UC but it was procedure. Two hours later he called me as I was walking in the door of my house to tell me that I had tested positive again.

My follow up appointment was 3 days later. One look at me and Dr. B told me I would be getting fluids. I had restarted the Vancomycin but only been on it 2 days. I also learned that I had lost 20 lbs in a little under 2 months. We also came up with a plan. I would do another round of Vancomycin, as well as start prednisone again. I also started Azathioprine which is used to help my medications work better from how Dr. B explained it to me. They are used more with biologic drugs, however since it seems like the UC and C-diff in my case have me trapped in a vicious circle. The UC is letting the C-diff run wild, and the C-diff is aggravating my UC. So we need to tackle them both at the same time. Normal procedure is to treat the C-diff first and then the UC, but I’m being difficult so they needed to try something different. Which meant starting to prep my body for a change to a biologic type of medication.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. My body completely wore out. I ended up missing close to 3 weeks of work over Christmas and the new year. I was also in a bad spot mentally. Depressed and feeling worthless. Stressed because I really couldn’t afford to miss that much work. I felt like the universe was punishing me. Thankfully as I started to feel better my mental state got better as well. I’m a believer in things happening for a reason. I started this blog because I was in a place where I felt like nobody was understanding me. I wasn’t connecting with people how I wanted to. I needed to get my story out in the way that I wanted. Will this change the world? Probably not, but for me this has changed my world and that is all that matters.

Being on the Vancomycin I knew I would feel better. I have to get regular bloodwork now that I’m on the Azathioprine and I’m happy to say I’m improving. I was able to go on vacation with my best friend and be excited about the future again. I ended the Vancomycin on Monday so we will see if that did it this time. I have a doctor appointment with Dr. B if you’re reading this on release day to see what the next step is. I’m feeling better but something is still just a bit off. My journey is still ongoing, but I’m ready for it.

Until next time

xoxo Becky xoxo

Just What I Needed

As I sit here writing this it is currently – 18 outside with a windchill warning of – 45-65 below. BRRRR so I’m going to pretend that I’m still sitting on a beach and share a bit of my vacation to Punta Cana.

The beach in front of our resort

I am sorry guys that I didn’t manage to get a post up last week, but it was more important to spend time in the moment making memories than worrying about deadlines. I spent 5 days in paradise celebrating the birthday of one of my best friends, Shanel. It was a girls’ trip, just the two of us. Two years ago we had gone to celebrate my 30th in Vegas and it had been a blast. We knew we had to do it again! I’ve known Shanel since middle school, so over half our lives have been spent in each others lives. We live in two different states now, and do not get to see each other as often as either one of us would like. So trips like these are special, and remind me of how much I love and cherish our friendship. Being as it was Shanel’s birthday trip, she was the one who picked Punta Cana and I am so happy she did. The people, places, atmosphere, scenery, and everything else made for a trip of a lifetime.

The view from our room

We stayed at the Ocean Blue and Sand all-inclusive resort, and it was beautiful. I wish I had taken more pictures of the actual resort because I don’t think I would ever be able to do it justice. It is a pretty massive complex, but I thought it was laid out extremely well and didn’t feel overwhelming. Everyone we ran into had a smile on their face and made you feel welcome. Our room was close to the beach even though we couldn’t see it, but we did have a view of the pool that was massive. It was my first time in a tropical location as well as staying at an all-inclusive, but I was impressed. Our room was fairly large and screamed beach cottage with it white and blue theme. Palm trees lined all the brick walkways, and you could smell the ocean. I was in heaven.

One of the guest villas

The whole purpose of this trip was to relax and have no set plans. We both needed a mental recharge and some time away from the real world. The first few days were super chill. We ate at the steakhouse our first night, walked down to check out the beach even though it was dark (still super gorgeous) and were in bed relatively early. Our first full day we took our time getting ready, enjoyed a late breakfast, and then set up some excursions for later in the week. I then made the rookie mistake of being talked into listening to a spiel about joining some travel program. That is the only negative thing I can truly say happened the whole trip. I just need to learn how to say no. Lesson learned! The afternoon was spent sitting on the beach, pretending to read but really napping. We got all dressed up in our flowy dresses and had dinner at the Mexican themed restaurant that evening. The food was good, but the margarita was better. We also were serenaded by a lovely trio singing in Spanish. After dinner we hit the bar, and I discovered my love for Coco Loco’s. Our bartender, Edwin was amazing. He kept the drinks coming and had us laughing all night.

Even at night it was a beautiful sight

Our second full day was a beach day. It was a bit rainy here and there and was actually pretty windy, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying it. I finished my book, we swam in the ocean, and I managed to burn myself. I swear I applied sunscreen pretty religiously but my legs ended up crispy. If the rain had held off it would have been the perfect day. Seriously it was just what I needed. The fact that I could lay there and not have a care in the world was freeing. No worrying about work, family, my UC, or the future was the mental break I needed. I touched in it the last post, but by nature I am just a worrier. My brain likes to go to the worst case scenario in every situation. But that day I didn’t worry about a damn thing. That evening Shanel and I got all dolled up, put on our sexy little black dresses, and enjoyed dinner at the fancy French restaurant. Wine, good food, and amazing company was the perfect way to end the day.

On the Calle De Las Damas

Day three was a our full day excursion to Santo Domingo. I won’t lie having to get up at 5:30 am while you are on vacation is hard. Really hard. However this was my favorite day. I love history. I love learning about places and people who are hundreds of years old. Santo Domingo is so full of history, and I was in nerd heaven. We did a walking tour and started at the Alcazar de Colon, which was built under Diego Columbus on land granted to him by King Ferdinand II of Argon in the early 1510’s. It is the oldest residence of a viceroy in the Americas. It is now a museum that houses an amazing collection of European late medieval and Renaissance works of art. Being able to wonder around and put my hands on walls that were built so many centuries ago is still a rush for me. We then walked along the Calle de Las Damas which is the oldest paved street in the America’s to the next museum, Museo de las Casa Reales. It was built around the same time as the Alcazar de Colon and used to house the administrative offices of the Spanish colonies. It now houses a wide array of art and artifacts from throughout Dominican Republic history. Next we made our way to the National Pantheon of the Dominican Republic which was built in the 1700’s and used to be a church. It has a gorgeous painting on the ceiling, and an amazing chandelier. It now houses the bodies of some of the counties most important citizens.

We were treated to a little dance routine during lunch

Next was lunch at a cute little restaurant that had a buffet of some traditional Dominican food. The last monument we visited was the Basilica Cathedral of Santa Maria la Menor, the oldest cathedral in all of the Americas. Started in 1512 and completed in 1540 it is an amazing and unbelievably beautiful building. After that we went to a 4D movie that detailed the Battle of Santo Domingo in 1586. We were treated to a shot of Mamajuana, which is jokingly referred to as the Dominican Viagra. The final stop was a little shopping area where we were able to pick up souvenirs. Then it was time to head back to Punta Cana. It was a long day, but I am so glad we took the time to do it.

This street was adorable and the flowers grew everywhere

Day four was party boat day! This was so outside of my comfort zone, but it was a total blast. You start out snorkeling and doing something called Snuba diving. I was down for the snorkeling but I was nervous as hell for the snuba part, and wasn’t sure if I would actually do it. Snuba is like scuba diving, but the tanks of oxygen are attached to a little life boat and stay on the surface instead of being attached to you. We started out snorkeling, and I only had a mini panic attack as I learned how to breath through the snorkel. Once I had that down it was fun. Once again it was a pretty windy day and the current was a little rough, but overall it was a really enjoyable experience. Then it was onto the snuba. Besides being terrified at the start (I don’t like the thought of being underwater in the middle of the ocean) I am so glad I did it. I managed to go down about 15 feet and touch the ocean floor. Then it was time to party. The people we were with, the guides, the music, and the rum made for such a fun experience. I am not a partier but I had such good time. Standing in chest high water in a gorgeous little cove, music pumping around us, watching guys wrestle, and the drinks that just kept appearing it was great. I think its safe to say that I felt it the next morning, but it was another experience I am glad that I did. This was our last full day in Punta Cana, and we kept the party going once we got back to the resort. Nothing too crazy but we enjoyed a few more drinks at the bar and just tried to enjoy the atmosphere of being in paradise.

Yep I held all of these at once

Shanel and I spent out last morning wandering along the beach until the last possible moment, and then it was time to fly home. Shanel has been my rock this last year. When I was at my lowest she was the one telling me it was going to be fine, and to keep my head up. She made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, and without her I truly think I would have been lost. The fact that we get to travel and make these memories just the two of us is something that I don’t take for granted. Traveling with your best friend is something that I can’t recommend highly enough. Punta Cana is in the books, but we are already starting to plan where the next girls getaway is going to be!

A quick side note: at some point I will do a post about traveling and having UC, but for the most part my UC behaved itself this trip! I also had a 100 temperature change from Punta Cana which was 80 when we left, to my house which came in at -20.

Until next time,

xoxo Becky xoxo