I really thought that today’s post was going to be about my diagnosis and the story of how I got to UC. But sometimes life has a way of redirecting you, and I’m choosing to go with the flow and write about something that has been on my mind for bit.
I haven’t been truly happy in awhile. It’s scary to write that knowing I’m going to be posting this for people to see, but it’s the truth. Yes a majority of it had to do with my Ulcerative Colitis ups & downs and other health problems. 2018 was a shit year (pun intended). Deep down I knew there was more going on, but it was easier to push it back and focus on dealing with just being sick. I truly thought that if I got my health back on track then everything else would return to normal as well. Yet as the year dragged on the feelings got stronger even when I went through spurts where my health was basically back to normal. And that scared me. Deep down in my soul scared me. Why couldn’t I just be happy?
I’m the type of person who doesn’t like change. Change is a very important part of growth as a person, and believe me I am so glad I’m not the same person I was in my teens, early, or even mid-twenties. But somewhere in my late 20’s I felt like I had reached a place where I was happy with where I was in life. I liked my everyday, normal, boring, doing basically the same thing over and over again day. I found comfort in it. Is that healthy? Yes to a certain point I think it is as long as you love what you do. I however was starting to dread the routine. Being sick made everyday tasks harder, but it the beginning I would feel a sense of accomplishment of being able to make it though a work day. I took pride in my work. Do I have a fancy job, no. I have a very blue collar job but it is an important one and I like to think that I do it pretty damn well. But somewhere along the way I’ve lost that spark. Not just in my job, but in life in general. Even family functions became tasks that I couldn’t bear to face. Each day the weight of what I was feeling was growing heavier until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I started to have anxiety attacks where my mind would race to the worst case scenarios for every situation. My personality is a worrier by nature, but these thoughts and feelings were so much more than anything I had ever dealt with before. I knew things needed to change, but I couldn’t force myself to do or say anything out loud.
I didn’t want to rock the boat. If I brought up what I was feeling, and that I might possibly want to do something different with my life how was that going to affect everyone around me. The people I work with are my family. I spend almost more time there then I do at home. At home I kept to myself. I would just go to my room the second I got home. I stopped going out unless I absolutely needed to. I found excuses to not attend events or meet up with friends. I didn’t want to let anyone down just because I was feeling out of sorts. So I blamed it on being sick. It was just aggravating my emotions and making me think things were worse than they actually were. I was overthinking, over-worrying, over-everything when it came to my day to day life. Slowly the people around me started to notice that something in me had shifted. Blaming it on being sick appeased most of them, but there were a few who refused to let me keep on hiding behind that for too long.
Long chats with my mom and a few close friends helped me realize that I needed to face the music. I wasn’t happy with anything. I had to face the fact that I was someone who had changed. In all aspects of my life I had changed. I didn’t love where my life was anymore. What scared me more was that I had no idea where I wanted to go either. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t have a plan. Admitting to myself at first that I wasn’t happy and had no idea what the hell I was going to do was the first step as crazy as that sounds. Saying it out loud broke something in me. I laughed and cried on my bathroom floor because saying it out loud made me feel freer than I had in months. I was still terrified but the weight was gone. Slowly I built up the courage to be more honest with a select few people and tell them exactly how I was feeling regarding everything in my life.
The response has been overwhelmingly positive. This blog is a result of opening up and trying new things. And though it’s still young this has brought such happiness to my life. The ability to write, connect with people, and whatever else this space might do in the future has fulfilled a part of me that I didn’t know I was missing. I’ve also been more in tune listening to my gut. When things don’t feel right or that voice in the back of my head telling me that change is needed, I’m going to listen. I’m looking into doing different things in all aspects of my life, and while it is still extremely scary I can say that these last few weeks have opened my eyes. I’ve taken small steps that might lead to new opportunities and challenges, and it feels right. I’m ready to live my life in a way that makes me happy. I might not have all the answers or even a solid plan in place, but I’m ready to see what new changes are in store for me.
Until next time
xoxo Becky
